Forgiveness

Forgive and forget, huh?

What if you can’t forgive, or more scary than that, what if you cannot even forget?

What if you relive those moments in the car with him, or that time in the basement EVERY time you go into either of those places, which are totally not uncommon in your life?

What if someone hurt you so bad you can’t sleep at night, so you have to take medication?

What if that same person had your trust and ripped it out from under you each time they slapped you around?

What if that person, no matter how long ago, put it in your mind that you are worthless, helpless, fat, or ugly, and so today, you can’t think good of yourself?

What if that person has gotten to you so many times that you feel it should be over, but yet it’s still not. And in fact, it feels worse than ever?

What if, what if, what if?

These are not what if’s for me. These are real to me. These are every day struggles for me. And what else? Every day I’m getting more angry about it. I don’t even think I’m afraid of him anymore. (At least not today). Some days I just want to write him and tell him how much he messed me up, hoping that he’ll have a heart and tell someone so that he can feel some pain for what he did to me for 3 years of my life. What hurts the most, I think, is that people DON’T believe me. He has them all fooled that he’s this perfect guy who would never hurt a fly. Well, maybe he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but he sure did hurt me.

 

And THEN after thinking about all that, I think about the fact that since I DIDN’T tell anyone at the time, he could have or could be doing the same thing to someone else? What if someone else is being hurt, just like I was, but I could’ve prevented it. I am at a total and complete loss of what to do. The “what if’s” will keep coming, and I will keep praying, and hopefully, someday, get somewhere with this problem.

I know that I’m not fully knowledgeable on all things Catholic, but I guess I definitely could use a lesson or two on forgiveness. I know God can do wonders, but can he help me to forgive this guy? Or even more, can I be strong enough to seek the help and carry it through? No, I don’t think I’m there yet. But maybe, just maybe, I’m on the right path…

Jenny